Last week at work, some folks were talking about goals you’ve seen other people reach that you also want to attain/achieve/use cut-throat violence and extreme manipulation to acquire.
But I don’t usually look at other people and think, “I want that for me, too.”
I only quote that 700 Club meme when I’m looking at a picture of a hot celebrity.
I’m not the kind of person who looks at other peoples’ houses and says, “Oooh, I want to live there.” I just say, “Oooh, that’s a pretty nice house. I love this part, but I wouldn’t want to deal with that part.”
Obviously, I wouldn’t say that last bit out loud – about not liking every part of something. Most people are proud of the stuff they’ve recently acquired. They like the parts and the sum of the parts, you know?
Unless it’s something truly far-out, like a person with a fear of mice moving into a scientist’s palatial mansion — only to realize that they installed a maze in the basement for their cat-sized lab rats.
Basically, I’ve never liked any new houses or new cars badly enough to want that exact same thing for me – everything from pets to boyfriends to purses. I’ve either liked something different, or I wanted to attain my own thing with its own personality and/or features.
To be perfectly honest, I can’t stand all these hypotheticals that come up during early morning chats and meetings, just because it’s tough to think of an “appropriate” answer to a hyper-specific question.
The other day, I felt absolutely silly trying to think of a favorite artist or architect – but I just couldn’t. It’s not that I don’t appreciate art, but it’s that I’m more of a … farm-fed type of person.
If you’ve followed this blog from the beginning, you know where I’m from. I’m a country girl who’s made do.
I don’t go for steel and glass – and I can’t say I’ve been particularly awed by any modern buildings. I don’t hate cities — but I would rather visit a city than live in one. I know that some basically all skyscrapers are incredible feats of architecture, but I’m not into industrial-type stuff. I like things that blend in, and I’m not into, like, the Burj Khalifa. I don’t need to look at something that stands out against a desert landscape, a forested backdrop, etc.
But I really struggle when it comes to answering “oh, me, too!” types of questions. I feel like a fake person every day when I walk into work. I have a Work Persona that is quieter and softer than I am in real life. This persona is also a little bit shy and a bit of a non-assertive office drone.
I’m not an office siren. I’m an office fire detector with a low battery.
And I can tell people don’t like this workplace persona – not really – but I can’t seem to break away from it. I can’t be too … too different out of nowhere. So I’m stuck in my current (unusual, half-melted) box. Of course, I’ve never really minded being unusual. It’s the most distinctive thing about me — that I don’t mind being unusual.
Of course, I blame myself sometimes for not trying harder to fit in. I tell myself that maybe I seem too stupid, if I can’t think of a “good” answer to an icebreaker question.
But … I can’t rehearse my own life. I just have to try to live an authentic life — I just have to be me, and I just need to be satisfied with this version of myself.
Jamais Mayville 